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                                                                 "Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too.
                                                               They live inside us, and sometimes, they win."
                                                                                                                     Stephen King

Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: The Ranconteurs- You Don't Understand Me

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Current Music: carol of the bells

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i'm also tired of xmas.

you know whats really, reallllllllly good? helluva good french onion dip. with carrots. or chips. or whatever. and lime green kool aid. and stella artois beer. mmmm.

/pointless post, meant solely to break up the crying business all up in here lately.

Current Mood: speedy

My eyes are stinging from the crying. It's going to take vodka to get over this again. Doubles and lots of them. And ice-cream. Thick, minty chocolate ice-cream with a hundred calories in every spoonful. My girlfriends will have to stroke my hair from my eyes and wipe my tears, trying their best to make things okay again. I'll have to play The Pixies so loud the walls shake.

It feels as though someone's sitting on my chest; every time i try and take a breath i'm working twice as hard. I'm not yet sure if the beating of my heart has slowed down, or doubled in speed. I was praying this time it would be different, but i should have known not to rely on that. You can see it in me now. You can see it in my eyes. I didn't shower this morning and i'm still in the same clothes as when you left. I've not moved really. The empties still litter the lounge. I've not thrown out the take away boxes. I don't want anything to change, because if it's all the same then there's a chance this didn't happen. There's a chance it's all a horrible dream that i'll wake up from. Last time they sat me down and told me i couldn't do this too myself again. I suppose i knew it as well, but there was a big factor that they just didn't understand. They didn't realise how it all changes when you look at me, touch me ... kiss me. It all changes. I made promised to them that i wouldn't let this happened to me again. I promised. And now where am i? I'm trying to think of a character that i feel like. Someone in a book or play that i think has felt like this but i've got no one. It's like when Jane realises Rochester is already married and wanders through the moors. She doesn't have a clue where she's going and she can hardly make sense of the infomation she's been given. Her heart is exploding in her chest and she knows that it's partly her fault, because her actions helped to lead to this point. There's no denying the majority of the blame falls at Rochester's feet, but she can't bring herself to hate him. The love is always there, which is why he calls in the wind to her.

So take a good look at my face. You'll see my smile looks out of place. If you look closer it's easy to trace the tracks of my tears.

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